A New Look at Selfishness

Think back to when you were a child. How many times were you told, “Don’t be selfish.” Modern culture prizes selflessness and condemns selfishness, in effect setting the two against each other. But are these two really opposites?

“The alternatives are either to love others, which is a virtue, or to love oneself, which is a sin,” wrote social scientist and philosopher Erich Fromm, in his essay titled “Selfishness and Self-Love.”

While no one would argue with merits of considering others, it’s time we re-examine our beliefs around being selfish.  It’s time we recognize how those messages have served to alienate us from our self and our life purpose.

What good comes from a lack of concern for yourself? Who benefits from you not valuing or loving yourself, not thinking for yourself, not being able to love others without losing yourself? How do you differentiate between valuing yourself and egotistically indulging yourself?

The answers lie in self-knowledge and self-acceptance. When you undertake an inner journey and come to truly understand and appreciate yourself, you develop the capacity to deal honestly, thoughtfully and lovingly with yourself, as well as other people. This balance is a necessity for living your life purpose abundantly.

“The process of attaining self-knowledge both softens and strengthens us and serves to help us love and appreciate life and other people,” says Bud Harris, author of the book Sacred Selfishness: A Guide to Living a Life of Substance.

Understanding yourself better includes discovering the negative effects of your histories, working to change them, and building on your strengths and aptitudes. It allows you to relate to people in a more straightforward, authentic manner and to be in service to others while caring for yourself. Above all else, it means learning to love yourself and being true to the core of who you are.

“Self-love is the firm foundation that determines how strongly we can give love and receive love,” Harris says.

To begin the inner work of increasing your self-knowledge, here are two tools of self-discovery. Inner work is a life-long deepening of the connection to your truest self that can enrich life beyond words.

Journaling
Writing in journals is less about recording events and more about exploring your feelings, thoughts, and experiences. Journaling allows you to look for connections and themes, to express the innermost aspects of your life experience. Best is to pick a time—the same time every day—for regular journaling. If you can’t think of anything to write at first, just write, “I can’t think of anything to write,” until your mind fills in, “well, except this…” and the flow of thoughts and feelings begins.

If you still need some prodding to get the flow going, start with a question, such as:

What went well today?
What am I grateful for?
What am I wishing for?
What hurt or upset me today?
What am I afraid of?

Self-Description
Take a sheet of paper and write a plus (+) and minus (-) sign at the top so you have to columns. Write two lists of your attributes —positive attributes under the plus sign and negative attributes under the minus sign. Include anything that describes who you are as a person from your perspective and from what others have said about you. If you find yourself putting more items on the negative side, then stop! Make sure your positive side keeps up. Remember you may even find that the same attribute goes on both sides of the sheet.

When you are finished writing your lists, review them. How do you feel about the description? Are there any attributes you want to change? Which ones are you most proud of? Take time to reflect on the attributes and honour them. Recognize that every person has a combination of positive and negative attributes – that is what bring beautiful diversity to the world. Rejoice in the magical, complex person that you are. Acknowledge and accept others as magical, complex people as well.

Without first loving and caring for yourself, you will not have the internal resource to love and care for others. Don’t get caught in the trap of believing that self-love and self-care are selfish. They are not. Genuine self-knowledge and self-acceptance increase your ability to support and give to those around you. Remember, you can not give away what you don’t have.

How do you show yourself love and appreciation?  To join the discussion, leave a comment!