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The Road to Forgiveness is a Journey Toward Freedom
“If unresolved anger is a toxin to the spirit, forgiveness is the antidote,” wrote Brian Luke Seaward in his book, Stand Like Mountain, Flow Like Water: Reflections on Stress and Human Spirituality.
When people get hurt, they often react with resentment, anger, rage, even hatred. While some of these emotions may feel like appropriate responses in the short term, holding on to them will cause further pain and stress. Nurturing old wounds and resentments is like tending weeds in a garden. The more care you give them, the more they take over until there’s no room for the positive feelings that can nourish you.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning inappropriate behaviour or excusing personal violations. It doesn’t mean giving up or hiding or denying what was done. To forgive someone of something doesn’t mean turning the other cheek so that you can be hurt again. To forgive doesn’t mean you forget that you were harmed.
What it does mean is letting go of the feelings of anger or resentment, so that you can get on with your life. Forgiving is a process—sometimes a slow one—that heals wounds and returns your power to you. So long as you hold onto negative feelings, you give control of your life over to those who have hurt you. Forgiveness sets you free.
Ways to Forgive
While forgiveness begins with a single decision, the decision to forgive is just the first step in an active process. To get from here to there is a journey to be traveled. But you don’t have to travel it alone. Don’t be afraid to ask for help along the way. Here are some stepping stones along the path.
Acknowledge all the feelings. Though anger and resentment might be on top, beneath may lie feelings of hurt, betrayal, loss and grief. Uncovering these more tender emotions may be painful, but, like curves in the road, it is part of the journey to be traveled.
Stop blaming. So long as you hold someone else responsible for your feelings or circumstances, you don’t own your own life. You stop blaming by accepting total responsibility for your life, and allowing others to accept responsibility for theirs.
Release the desire for revenge. The wish to inflict suffering or pain on the person who hurt you keeps you in a place of suffering and pain. You cannot experience the freedom of forgiveness until you are willing to move away from the need to punish or retaliate.
Learn to accept. It’s virtually impossible to stop judging completely; however, the fewer negative judgments you make, the easier it is to accept. And, according to author Wayne Dyer, “Acceptance is forgiveness in action.” Judgments say very little about the judged, but communicate lots about the one who is doing the judging.
Decide to confront or not. Talking with the person who has harmed you may or may not be the best action to take. Be honest with yourself about what you hope to and are likely able to accomplish with such a meeting. Trust your heart when deciding the best course of action for you.
Let go. Only through releasing all feelings of anger, resentment, or animosity can forgiveness be unconditional. “Sweet forgiveness cannot hold any taste of bitterness,” says Brian Luke Seaward. “When feelings of anger are released, the spirit once held captive by the encumbrance of anger is free to journey again.”
Self-forgiveness
Forgiveness is not just an outward expression toward others. Turning the open hand of forgiveness inward is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. When you forgive yourself you acknowledge your human limitations, release yourself from your own judgments and practice self-acceptance. These actions are essential for a life of freedom and joy.
Through action or inaction, out of fear, pain or confusion, you may harm yourself or others. But when you say, “I’ll never forgive myself,” you sentence yourself to a life of guilt and shame.
Practice self-forgiveness through:
- Accepting yourself rather than judging yourself
- Honouring yourself rather than blaming yourself
- Nurturing yourself rather than criticizing yourself
- Releasing the past rather than holding onto it
Forgiveness, even self-forgiveness cannot be forced. And it may not come easily. Like other skills you must learn, forgiveness and self-forgiveness take practice. If you are unable to immediately release the past and move on, be forgiving of yourself and continue the practice.
I invite you to share your thoughts and perspective on the article. How has forgiveness enriched your life?
Curiosity – A Vital Ingredient in Life
When I was a young child I was hospitalized for a short period of time. One day during my hospital stay, my Mom and sister came to visit me bearing a gift. It was a Curious George stuffed animal. “Georgie” became my constant companion and trusted confidante. Little did I know, he would become the perfect symbol for how I lived my life.
To some degree, curiosity has been given a bad rap. You may have grown up being told that asking too many questions was rude or expressed ignorance. If you read any of his books, you know the trouble Curious George got into due to his curiosity. You might even have been warned that “Curiosity killed the cat!”
But I didn’t believe any of that. To me, curiosity is as natural as breathing and necessary to a fulfilling life. The truth is that curiosity is one of the most vital and life-affirming qualities you can bring to your work and your relationships.
Be Curious, Not Furious
It’s so easy to play the blame game when things go wrong. Instead of reacting with anger or frustration, consider being curious about the situation. For example, instead of beating yourself up or blaming someone else for not reaching a set goal—again—try asking yourself, what contributed to the outcome. What is going on for you (or them) that resulted in the subpar performance? With an attitude of, “How fascinating that I’ve created this! I wonder why,” you are much more likely to find new solutions to attaining your goals.
Curiosity in Life
Helen Keller said, “Life is a daring adventure or nothing at all!” When you cultivate an attitude of curiosity, doors open and adventures begin; questions lead to new possibilities. For example, asking yourself, “What do I want to learn now?” can set you on a journey of exciting exploration that moves you forward. If, instead, you come from the place of “I already know what I need to know,” you shut off the possibility of discovering something new that could rock your world.
Curiosity in Relationships
How often we assume we know what someone else is thinking or experiencing. What if we came from a place of not knowing and offered others an invitation to speak? According to Sharon Ellison, creator of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication, “A non-defensive question is innocently curious, reflecting the purity of the child who asks how a flower grows or what makes an airplane fly.” We invite others to share their true experience when we ask questions without hidden agendas and to clarify understanding.
Cultivating Curiosity
Here are some ways to cultivate a more curious life.
Questions. Practice asking questions with openness and neutrality. Practice with strangers in stores and with people close to you. Stop thinking you know all the answers…be open to being surprised!
Inquiries. An inquiry is an open-ended question designed to broaden your perspective. For example: “What would make life a daring adventure for me?” “Where in my life do I assume I already know everything I need to know?” “What is another way of interpreting this situation?”
Assumptions. These impact how we treat strangers as well as loved ones. Challenge your assumptions by asking, “What if that’s not true?” Be open to seeing the world in new ways and build your understanding of other people’s perspectives. Remember there are many ways to see everything.
If you truly want to expand your excitement, joy and fulfillment in life and relationship, sprinkle liberal doses of curiosity and watch your life become the fabulous adventure it can be!
I invite you to leave a comment with answers to the following questions: How do you use curiosity in your life? What are you curious about?
Creating Systems for Success
Most of us run our lives on a handful of systems. Between our cell phones, our daily planners and our e-mail inboxes, we organize ourselves and our time. Systems reduce the time it takes to accomplish a task, minimize the effort required, and increase the ease with which we can accomplish our goals. Given such benefits, it is advisable to periodically examine your work and your personal life for opportunities to add systems.
Systems are simply ways of automating or structuring processes so that they can occur without much thought or attention. Systems allow the task to be done by more than just one person, so that the required activity will get done even if you take a vacation or, for whatever reason, are unable or unwilling to do it yourself.
Figuring Out What to Systematize
For most of us, there are dozens of similar repetitive tasks, large and small, in our businesses, our jobs and our personal lives that could be systematized. To identify where you can apply systems, step back from your activities and try to look at the big picture objectively. Ask yourself the following questions:
Where are your frustrations? This is an important test for two reasons. First, you are more likely to be frustrated if you are redoing tasks that bring no particular satisfaction. Second, you are going to be frustrated if you have to relearn a task or “recreate the wheel” every time a specific need comes up.
What is limiting your business and personal success? What are the choke points? What activities – if you did more of them or did them more often – would lead to increased business and personal success? By strategically focusing in this way, you are more likely to spot high-value opportunities for systemization.
What causes you stress? If you are responsible for doing certain activities that you find overly difficult, unpleasant, demeaning, or painful, they could be causing you a significant amount of stress. Even if you know the steps by heart, systematizing at least part of these stress-inducing activities could yield big benefits to you and your well-being.
Start by Writing It Down
The first step in systematizing a process is to write it down. What exactly is the process you go through to complete the task? If you’re struggling to get all the steps down, try the “backwards” approach. Start with the end result and then determine what you did right before that, and so on, for each step. To make this even easier, record the steps required to complete a task as you’re doing them.
Another valuable exercise is to document what everyone in your organization or home does. Forget job descriptions: You want to know what they actually do. This may highlight high-value opportunities to build systems that can be leveraged throughout the organization or by all members of the family.
Often, the documentation you create in this process is all the system you require. The next time the task comes up, you can pull out the file and save the relearning. It also becomes the core of a training manual for new employees or family members who are growing into new responsibilities. Imagine referring your teenager to the step-by-step instructions of how to wash a load of laundry next time they get home from day one of a two-day soccer tournament.
Do the Cost-Benefit Math
Here are some guidelines for figuring out which of the myriad choices are worth the effort of creating a system:
What are the odds you will be doing this again? How often? Both tasks that need to be done frequently and tasks that are done only once in a while are good candidates for a system. Automating the frequent tasks can save you time daily or weekly while systematizing the infrequent tasks will avoid the need for relearning the process and reduce the risk of mistakes.
How hard is it to automate? Creating paper checklists is easy; programming Outlook to sync your phone contacts and automatically generate follow up emails isn’t so easy. However, don’t give up if one approach is too expensive or complicated. Just look for a simpler system.
How critical is the task? And how critical is failing to execute it well? High-value tasks (such as annual trade-shows) and tasks with a high cost of not doing them (like missing a bill payment) are good candidates for setting up systems in order to ensure the benefits of doing them well and reduce the risks of leaving them undone.
Can you hire it out? In some cases, the best system is to hand the documentation for the process to a junior employee or an external service provider. In particular, those stress-inducing tasks you noted above can be partially off-loaded. But you will need to do the work up front of carefully recording the steps involved, and how to achieve and measure the necessary outcomes.
Get Out of the Box
As you go through this analysis, don’t be afraid to start with the question: Why do we do this process in the first place? For every process you find that could be automated with a new system, you may find another that can be eliminated altogether. Systematically reviewing your business and home activities this way may be the most valuable system of all.
I invite you to share your perspective on this article. What new systems have you added to your work and personal life? To join the discussion, simply leave a comment.
Who Has a Life Purpose?
I’ve always had this sense that there had to be more to life than working hard to just get by. I would look at people who were really passionate about their work and it was clear to me that they had something going on. They had tapped into a deeper meaning and were making a contribution to the world that brought them and others so much joy.
I wanted to have what they had. I wanted to know what they knew that the rest of us didn’t. I started by looking at what I was taught about career and work as I grew up. Not very pleasant stuff – work hard, keep your head down, obey the rules, and just maybe you’ll survive.
So then I began to research and study everything I could about life purpose in the personal development field. Along the way I learned a lot, but I began to realize that there was a lot of misinformation. A lot of what I was hearing actually confused me and was more discouraging than anything.
Over the years I sifted through the accurate, helpful information and weeded out the confusing, counterproductive information. I’ve collected the best of what I learned first hand and I want to share it with you.
The first and most important thing I had to learn – and really internalize - was that everyone has a life purpose.
I grew up with the belief that only exceptional people have a true life purpose. Life purpose isn’t for everyone – just the chosen few. I thought of people like doctors, teachers and firefighters as being called to their profession and that what they do is more than a job, it’s who they are. Surely they had a life purpose… but what about the rest of us?
I now believe with all my heart that everyone has a life purpose – yes even you and me. And we have the freedom to begin believing in it.
I have heard from many of you that your greatest challenge in this area is finding what your life purpose is. This is the first step in that discovery process. You must truly believe that you have a purpose not just wish or hope you have one. Once you accept in all certainty that you do have a purpose, you’ll be open to finding it and clues will begin appearing faster than you can imagine.
If you want guidance and support in uncovering and living your life purpose, check out my new coaching program, From Purpose to Prosperity™. It leads you through the exact steps and teaches you the most effective strategies to enable you to identify your life purpose, begin living it and experiencing prosperity from it in as short of a time period as possible.
Get all the details and request an application form here: http://frompurposetoprosperity.com/
Time Is More Than Money - It’s Your Life!
Yeesh! It’s 8 p.m. and you’re still in front of your computer answering emails…again. It seems as though every day is spent digging out of an avalanche of email, phone messages and urgent requests that don’t leave any time for you-know-who (hint: YOU!) or the priorities that really matter. By the time Friday rolls around, it’s easy to feel your week went careening out of control like some movie-of-the-week car chase.
Do me a favour. Take a moment right now to do a little activity with me. Take out a piece of paper and write down four statements that describe how you feel or think about time. For example you might say, “Time flies,” or “There is never enough time.” Write your statements down now.
Next, read over what you have written. In each statement, replace the word “time” with the word “life.” The examples above become “Life flies,” and “There is never enough life.”
Wow! Point taken. How you spend your time is how you spend your life. If you don’t like the sound of your revised statements, it is time to recreate the relationship you have with time.
The solution isn’t in another day-planner system or another priority checklist. Until you change your relationship to time, your life will continue to speed away from you—at enormous cost to your health and to the detriment of yourself and the world around you.
Gaining control over your time is nothing short of gaining control of your life. The good news is you do have a choice. From CEO to business owner to file clerk, reclaiming control over your time is a powerful act of self-mastery.
To help refill your time reservoir, try some or all of the following suggestions.
Pause. Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Han suggests a deep breath before answering the phone. Stacey Mayo of the Center for Balanced Living recommends doing a one-minute meditation every hour throughout your day.
Remember the airplane instructions. Put your own “oxygen mask” on first. To take care of others, you must care for yourself first. Put your needs at the top of your priority list.
Carve out idle time alone. Greek philosopher Aristotle noted that “nature requires us not only to be able to work well but also to idle well.” Recognize and honour your body and mind’s need for rest. If you find it difficult to do “nothing,” consider it a necessary skill and work on strengthening it.
Schedule time every week that excludes interruptions. Turn off your cell phone and your desk phone. Grant yourself uninterrupted time to focus your energy and attention.
Toss your schedule whenever you can. If that is too daunting at first, schedule spontaneous time and then surprise yourself. To keep your creativity and joy revved up, include times when you improvise and act impulsively.
Examine why you are busy. What emotions would you experience if you weren’t so busy? Are you running from your heart? Many people use busyness as a way to sidestep the real challenges of life or to avoid taking responsibility for their own happiness. If you examine their comments, what they are really saying is, “Oh, I couldn’t possible improve my life, I am far too busy.”
Play. Sing, wrestle, paint, hike—whatever. It helps you step outside of ordinary time. Play and fun bring balance to your life. They give you a reason to commit to personal time in your schedule.
Create time retreats. At least once a year, choose to do something for a week that allows you to just “be.” Reserve this time for recharging your internal batteries, not for catching up on chores.
Spend time in nature. You can’t help but slow down in nature’s unhurried pace. Watching a soaring bird or examining a flower can seem to stretch a minute into an hour. Soak up the pure, life-affirming energy that nature has to offer.
You can learn to experience time more purposefully and meaningfully—so that it’s not an enemy robbing you of the joy of life. You needn’t be at time’s mercy. When you change your awareness, you can actually experience the gifts of time. The choice is yours.
I invite you to share your thoughts and perspective on the article. To join the discussion, comment on this blog!
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Sheila Betker is founder of Freedom to Dream, a company dedicated to connecting women with their true life’s purpose and helping them build the life of their dreams. To sign up for a free 10-part ecourse entitled, Living Your Dream Life: Step By Step Guide to Living Your Life on Purpose, visit: http://freedom-to-dream.com
Where Is Your Compass Pointing?
In my many years working with managers and their teams in the business world, the number one request for training was time management – hands down. As I work with clients in the coaching world, I hear the same story… there just isn’t enough time to do everything I want to do.
How we spend our time isn’t the only challenging decision we face. Anytime we find ourselves with limited resources – time, money, energy – we have to weigh the pros and cons of dedicating that resource to one area or another.
And then there are those decisions where we have to decide if the potential consequences are worth the risk of taking (or not taking) action.
Do we work late to meet that important deadline or leave work on time to watch our daughter’s soccer game? Do we give our boss some “honest” feedback or keep quiet so we’re seen as team players?
Sheesh… life can be challenging.
Luckily, we came equipped with an internal compass to help us navigate the myriad of decisions – both big and small – that face us on any given day. That compass is called our values.
Values are who we are at the core. They represent our unique and individual essence and reflect the aspects of life that are most important to us.
Our values serve as a compass pointing out what it means to be true to oneself. When we honour our values on a regular and consistent basis, life is good and fulfilling.
Important life decisions are easier to make and outcomes are more fulfilling when decisions are made in alignment with our personal values.
When you begin to look for and live into your life purpose, your values are an essential tool to keep you on track.
In fact, values are one of the topics I’m addressing in my latest teleseminar, “How to Live Your Life Purpose AND Achieve the Prosperity of Your Dreams”
It’s FREE and happening on Thursday, April 15.
If you’re searching for ways to find, share and prosper from your life purpose so that your life has more meaning, joy and passions, I encourage you to join me.
Reserve your spot on the call by registering here:
http://frompurposetoprosperity.com/preview2/
I look forward to talking more with you then!
Use Your Genius to Find Your Life Purpose
In an interview late in his life, the psychologist Sigmund Freud was asked to expound on what he felt were the most important constituents of life. His answer? “Liebe und Arbeit.” Love and work.
This is hardly a surprise: most of our lives are spent either working or being with the ones we love. The real question behind Freud’s statement is how do you combine the two so you love the work you do.
For many people, finding work that goes beyond mere survival to that which brings joy and meaning to your life remains elusive. You can’t always pinpoint what’s missing or what it is that would give your life meaning, but you feel the void. You have a sense that there has to be more - that you’re here for a purpose. You will find that purpose in your “genius.”
Finding Your Genius
Ultimately, the meaning in your work isn’t related to the size of the company you work for or which department you’re in, but how closely the work you perform is in alignment with what author Dick Richards labels “your genius.”
In his book, Is Your Genius at Work?, Richards uses the term to refer to that unique intersection between what you are good at (your gift) and what you love to do (your passion). As he explains it, you have just one genius; it is a positive talent that engages your heart and brings you optimal results.
Once you have identified your unique genius, the challenge becomes how to find the overlap between your genius and an “unmet need” in the world, so that someone will pay you to use your genius. Fortunately, by identifying and describing your genius, you gain confidence and are better able to articulate just how you can contribute to others. Your heart gets into alignment with your work, and suddenly work feels more like play and opportunities appear as if “out of the blue.”
The Alarm-Clock Test
Here is a quick test to determine if you have found your genius and are fully aligned with the work you are doing. If the alarm clock rings and you’re already out of bed getting ready for work because you are thrilled by what you’re doing and each new day at work is provides meaningful experiences, then the chances are pretty good that you’re somewhere near that sweet spot.
But if you’re failing the Alarm-Clock Test—not some of the time, but all the time—looking for a different kind of work makes sense. These days, more and more people in that situation are turning toward self-employment opportunities as the key to matching up purpose with genius.
What Will Your Story Be?
To help identify what meaningful work is for you, spend time reflecting on what work in your dream life would look like. One way to approach this is to imagine you are telling others the story of how work and meaning finally came together for you. To prepare the story, reflect on questions such as the following:
- What aspects of your work make you feel joyful, creative and competent?
- How do you infuse your heart and soul into your work?
- How does your sense of the divine show up and inform your work?
- How does your work contribute to others and to the world?
- How does your work contribute to the future?
- What role has serendipity, coincidence, and luck played in your work life?
- How have fun, play, and humour been a part of your meaningful work?
- How has your relationship with work changed over the course of your life?
- Do you have a philosophy, mission, or vision that guides your work life? If so, what is it and how did you come to it?
- What poetry, quotes, prayers, music, spiritual writings, and pictures represent and/or guide your work life? How do they inform your work?
Now take time to actually write out your story. Include details and specific examples. It may be fiction (or foreshadowing) at this point, but merely by writing it down and staying focused on it as your desired future, you begin the process to bring it into existence.
Remember that creating meaningful work is a lifelong process. Finding your genius and purpose requires conscious attention and a willingness to listen to what your heart is telling you. Be open to having your story evolve. And enjoy creating the life, and work, of your dreams.
I invite you to share your thoughts and perspective on the article. To join the discussion, reply to this email.
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Sheila Betker is founder of Freedom to Dream, a company dedicated to connecting women with their true life’s purpose and helping them build the life of their dreams. To sign up for a free 10-part ecourse entitled, Living Your Dream Life: Step By Step Guide to Living Your Life on Purpose, visit: http://freedom-to-dream.com
A New Look at Selfishness
Think back to when you were a child. How many times were you told, “Don’t be selfish.” Modern culture prizes selflessness and condemns selfishness, in effect setting the two against each other. But are these two really opposites?
“The alternatives are either to love others, which is a virtue, or to love oneself, which is a sin,” wrote social scientist and philosopher Erich Fromm, in his essay titled “Selfishness and Self-Love.”
While no one would argue with merits of considering others, it’s time we re-examine our beliefs around being selfish. It’s time we recognize how those messages have served to alienate us from our self and our life purpose.
What good comes from a lack of concern for yourself? Who benefits from you not valuing or loving yourself, not thinking for yourself, not being able to love others without losing yourself? How do you differentiate between valuing yourself and egotistically indulging yourself?
The answers lie in self-knowledge and self-acceptance. When you undertake an inner journey and come to truly understand and appreciate yourself, you develop the capacity to deal honestly, thoughtfully and lovingly with yourself, as well as other people. This balance is a necessity for living your life purpose abundantly.
“The process of attaining self-knowledge both softens and strengthens us and serves to help us love and appreciate life and other people,” says Bud Harris, author of the book Sacred Selfishness: A Guide to Living a Life of Substance.
Understanding yourself better includes discovering the negative effects of your histories, working to change them, and building on your strengths and aptitudes. It allows you to relate to people in a more straightforward, authentic manner and to be in service to others while caring for yourself. Above all else, it means learning to love yourself and being true to the core of who you are.
“Self-love is the firm foundation that determines how strongly we can give love and receive love,” Harris says.
To begin the inner work of increasing your self-knowledge, here are two tools of self-discovery. Inner work is a life-long deepening of the connection to your truest self that can enrich life beyond words.
Journaling
Writing in journals is less about recording events and more about exploring your feelings, thoughts, and experiences. Journaling allows you to look for connections and themes, to express the innermost aspects of your life experience. Best is to pick a time—the same time every day—for regular journaling. If you can’t think of anything to write at first, just write, “I can’t think of anything to write,” until your mind fills in, “well, except this…” and the flow of thoughts and feelings begins.
If you still need some prodding to get the flow going, start with a question, such as:
What went well today?
What am I grateful for?
What am I wishing for?
What hurt or upset me today?
What am I afraid of?
Self-Description
Take a sheet of paper and write a plus (+) and minus (-) sign at the top so you have to columns. Write two lists of your attributes —positive attributes under the plus sign and negative attributes under the minus sign. Include anything that describes who you are as a person from your perspective and from what others have said about you. If you find yourself putting more items on the negative side, then stop! Make sure your positive side keeps up. Remember you may even find that the same attribute goes on both sides of the sheet.
When you are finished writing your lists, review them. How do you feel about the description? Are there any attributes you want to change? Which ones are you most proud of? Take time to reflect on the attributes and honour them. Recognize that every person has a combination of positive and negative attributes – that is what bring beautiful diversity to the world. Rejoice in the magical, complex person that you are. Acknowledge and accept others as magical, complex people as well.
Without first loving and caring for yourself, you will not have the internal resource to love and care for others. Don’t get caught in the trap of believing that self-love and self-care are selfish. They are not. Genuine self-knowledge and self-acceptance increase your ability to support and give to those around you. Remember, you can not give away what you don’t have.
How do you show yourself love and appreciation? To join the discussion, leave a comment!
