When Affirmations Don’t Work
When the topic of affirmations comes up, I can’t help but think of the Saturday Night Live skits, “Daily Affirmation With Stuart Smalley.” Smalley (a fictional character invented and performed by satirist Al Franken) was best known for his signature phrase, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone
it, people like me!” If you watched Stuart Smalley’s show you know that his affirmations were not effective for him or others he was trying to help. Now new research helps us understand why.
Through their research, psychologist Joanne Wood of the University of Waterloo and her colleagues found that if a person has poor self-esteem to begin with, and then repeats affirmations such as, “I am a lovable person,” they actually end up feeling worse about themselves.
Why does this occur? Because the positive statement contradicts their current self-image to such a degree that it ends up reinforcing to themselves that they really don’t see themselves as a “lovable person.” However, Wood’s research also showed that people with higher self-esteem do experience an improvement in their moods by repeating affirmations.
So positive self-talk is positive only when the person who’s doing it really believes it. If your pre-existing beliefs contradict the positive self-talk, it appears the beliefs will usually supersede and overrule the self-talk.
So what’s a girl to do? Start with changing your beliefs. Success coach, Heather Dominick-Kosmicki offers the following process for transforming limiting beliefs into positive, more productive ones:
1. Identify a belief that no longer serves you and write it down.
2. List out the feelings you experience when you think about this limiting belief.
3. Write the opposite of the limiting belief. For example, if the belief is: “I can’t make that work. I don’t know enough,” the opposite would sound like: “I can totally do it. I have plenty of personal experience with this.” This allows you to begin to see what is possible… but as we learned from Stuart Smalley, don’t stop there.
4. Find evidence from your life that support the statement you wrote in step 3. Write down any examples that come to mind that help you experience relief. The idea is to connect with a little relief, and even hope, so you are open to the next step.
5. When you feel the relief, write the next-step belief. This belief is one that is a little more positive and feels a bit better than the original belief you wrote in step 1. You want to be able to feel very little or no resistance to this new belief.
6. Next, imagine what it would feel like inside and look like outside as you live from this new belief. List the feelings, thoughts, actions, and experiences that would show up in your life once you fully adopt the belief.
7. Now that you know what to look for, list the evidence! Every day take note of what has actually shown up (on the inside and outside) that matches or supports the items on your list from step 6. By recording what you’re experiencing, you reinforce the new belief in your belief system.
This is where we take the age-old advice, “rinse and repeat.” Once the new belief becomes comfortable, go through the 7-step process again and create another next-step belief that incorporates an even more positive statement. In this way you are able to transform limiting beliefs into empowering ones without being stymied by your mind reacting to an extreme contradiction.
I invite you to share your thoughts and perspective on the article. Have you been successful in transforming limiting beliefs? How did you do it? To join the discussion, simply leave a comment.
What Dreams May Come
Just before the end of the year, I invited the Freedom to Dream community to share three pieces of information with me, including a description of their dream life, the top three obstacles preventing them from living their dream life, and their two most important goals for 2009.
Thank you to all of you who sent in responses. I was touched by the lovely descriptions of your dreams, moved by the obstacles you are struggling with, and inspired by the goals you have set for yourselves this year.
Here are the top five responses in each category:
Dream Life: 1) Financial abundance, 2) Ability to help others, 3) Loving romantic relationship, 4) Good health for self & loved ones, and 5) Close relationships/time with family
Obstacles: 1) Lack of money, 2) Lack of belief in one’s self, 3) Poor health, 4) Fear, and 5) Not enough time
Goals for 2009: 1) Financial stability, 2) Self employment, 3) Health, 4) Create/improve loving relationship, 5) Improve self confidence/change limiting beliefs
The good news is that simply by taking the time to reflect on these items and write down what is in your heart of hearts, you have begun to bring your dream into existence.
The even better news is that I am committed to providing you with the tools and support you need to live your dream life, overcome your obstacles and achieve your goals. Stay tuned for some exciting announcements in the coming weeks. You’ll love what I’m cooking up!
The Power of Goals
Have you every said you were going to do something at some point in the distant future? Heck, it seemed so far away it was a pretty safe claim. Well I did and this year that distant point in the future caught up with me.
For years I said I was going to complete a marathon when I was forty years old. After all, for most of my life forty was a long way off. And it made a really good excuse for delaying getting in shape. This year I turned forty and it was time to “fish or cut bait.”
Well, I “fished” and it was incredible. Here’s how I took “baby steps” to complete my goal:
1) Set a stretch goal that is attainable – Although I said I would complete a marathon when I was forty, by June I had to face facts that my overweight, under-trained body was not ready for a full marathon. Instead of tossing out the goal altogether, I decided to complete a half-marathon. I assure you that it was still a stretch goal, but one that I could attain without serious injury by digging deep within myself.
2) Find evidence to convince yourself it is possible – Several years ago I had the blessing of working with a woman who completed a walking marathon. She was not a life-long, trained athlete. She put a lot of time and effort into training and drew upon every ounce of perseverance she had to complete the marathon. In learning there was a legitimate option to walk a marathon and that it could be done with enough preparation and determination, I knew I could do it, too. (Thank you, Cindy).
3) Make a plan - Last fall it was time to start putting concrete plans in place. If I didn’t, I knew my fortieth year would come and go without a marathon in sight. I researched marathons across North America looking for one that had a strong walking component and took place during July or August (the months I could travel). I was thrilled to find the Leading Ladies Marathon in Spearfish, South Dakota. The fact that it was an all-women’s marathon was a bonus.
4) Enlist support - I am blessed to have a very dear friend who takes part in these wild ideas I get. She was a great training partner and stuck with me through most of the marathon (she used the last two miles to prove what she is made of - but it was nice to see her at the finish line when I got there). Leading up to the marathon we had fun planning the details - what socks to wear, whether to wear belt pouch or not, which are the best power bars, etc. Also, at the marathon expo the day before the race, we talked with the experts and experienced marathoners to gather valuable last minute tips. There is so much support out there for the asking.
5) Find your inspiration- The evening before the marathon there was a pasta dinner where the Olympic Women’s Marathon was broadcast on a large screen with Kathrine Switzer providing the commentary. Kathrine, who was in the room with us, is famous for challenging the all-male Boston marathon in 1967 becoming the first woman to officially enter and run the event (after a stand off with event officials at the start line). Needless to say, between Kathrine, Constantina Tomescu (the 38-year old winner of the 2008 Olympic Women’s Marathon), and the other racers we spoke with, inspiration was everywhere.
6) Commit to a level of performance - In bed the night before the race I realized that even though I had made a lot of preparations for the marathon, I had not thought about nor committed to a specific level of performance - other than just finishing it. I knew that aiming to merely finish would not provide the drive I needed through the 13.1 miles ahead of me. Despite a lack of evidence from my training walks, and a little high on inspiration from Tomescu and the carb-loading, I decided to aim to complete the marathon in four hours. I didn’t think it was likely but it gave me something concrete and lofty to reach for.
7) Now get it done- Then came the time for the rubber to hit the road, literally. At 6:00 a.m. on August 17, 2008 I started my very first marathon. At 9:31:57 I crossed the finish line (pictured below) mighty sore and overcome with emotion. I did it! Not only did I meet my performance goal of 4 hours but I exceeded it by nearly half an hour! And I have the medal to prove it. Reaching a challenging goal is incredibly exhilarating.
What goal are you really proud of accomplishing? I’d love to hear from you.
