The Road to Forgiveness is a Journey Toward Freedom
“If unresolved anger is a toxin to the spirit, forgiveness is the antidote,” wrote Brian Luke Seaward in his book, Stand Like Mountain, Flow Like Water: Reflections on Stress and Human Spirituality.
When people get hurt, they often react with resentment, anger, rage, even hatred. While some of these emotions may feel like appropriate responses in the short term, holding on to them will cause further pain and stress. Nurturing old wounds and resentments is like tending weeds in a garden. The more care you give them, the more they take over until there’s no room for the positive feelings that can nourish you.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning inappropriate behaviour or excusing personal violations. It doesn’t mean giving up or hiding or denying what was done. To forgive someone of something doesn’t mean turning the other cheek so that you can be hurt again. To forgive doesn’t mean you forget that you were harmed.
What it does mean is letting go of the feelings of anger or resentment, so that you can get on with your life. Forgiving is a process—sometimes a slow one—that heals wounds and returns your power to you. So long as you hold onto negative feelings, you give control of your life over to those who have hurt you. Forgiveness sets you free.
Ways to Forgive
While forgiveness begins with a single decision, the decision to forgive is just the first step in an active process. To get from here to there is a journey to be traveled. But you don’t have to travel it alone. Don’t be afraid to ask for help along the way. Here are some stepping stones along the path.
Acknowledge all the feelings. Though anger and resentment might be on top, beneath may lie feelings of hurt, betrayal, loss and grief. Uncovering these more tender emotions may be painful, but, like curves in the road, it is part of the journey to be traveled.
Stop blaming. So long as you hold someone else responsible for your feelings or circumstances, you don’t own your own life. You stop blaming by accepting total responsibility for your life, and allowing others to accept responsibility for theirs.
Release the desire for revenge. The wish to inflict suffering or pain on the person who hurt you keeps you in a place of suffering and pain. You cannot experience the freedom of forgiveness until you are willing to move away from the need to punish or retaliate.
Learn to accept. It’s virtually impossible to stop judging completely; however, the fewer negative judgments you make, the easier it is to accept. And, according to author Wayne Dyer, “Acceptance is forgiveness in action.” Judgments say very little about the judged, but communicate lots about the one who is doing the judging.
Decide to confront or not. Talking with the person who has harmed you may or may not be the best action to take. Be honest with yourself about what you hope to and are likely able to accomplish with such a meeting. Trust your heart when deciding the best course of action for you.
Let go. Only through releasing all feelings of anger, resentment, or animosity can forgiveness be unconditional. “Sweet forgiveness cannot hold any taste of bitterness,” says Brian Luke Seaward. “When feelings of anger are released, the spirit once held captive by the encumbrance of anger is free to journey again.”
Self-forgiveness
Forgiveness is not just an outward expression toward others. Turning the open hand of forgiveness inward is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. When you forgive yourself you acknowledge your human limitations, release yourself from your own judgments and practice self-acceptance. These actions are essential for a life of freedom and joy.
Through action or inaction, out of fear, pain or confusion, you may harm yourself or others. But when you say, “I’ll never forgive myself,” you sentence yourself to a life of guilt and shame.
Practice self-forgiveness through:
- Accepting yourself rather than judging yourself
- Honouring yourself rather than blaming yourself
- Nurturing yourself rather than criticizing yourself
- Releasing the past rather than holding onto it
Forgiveness, even self-forgiveness cannot be forced. And it may not come easily. Like other skills you must learn, forgiveness and self-forgiveness take practice. If you are unable to immediately release the past and move on, be forgiving of yourself and continue the practice.
I invite you to share your thoughts and perspective on the article. How has forgiveness enriched your life?
Gratitude is My Favourite Feeling
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day in Canada (my home nation) so it’s only natural that I found myself reflecting on gratitude this morning.
The last few days were spent preparing the house for our Thanksgiving Day family dinner, which we hosted yesterday in order to accommodate all of the schedules. Several rooms got a thorough cleaning – the move-the-furniture-wash-the-baseboards-and-windows kind of cleaning.
While it may have been easy to see the preparation time as a nuance that prevented me from working in my business (work I love doing), I chose to see the time as a chance to reconnect with my home. I had been feeling less than appreciative of my “tiny, older house” as of late - especially after visiting a slue of show homes during the recent Parade of Homes that happens in our city twice a year. So I knew it was time to uncover and reconnect with my home’s beauty and warmth.
It worked, and I am back to feeling much more positive and loving about my current home - which is great because those positive vibrations will help me manifest my new, larger home that much faster. That is one of the things I love about gratitude – it connects you to such positive feelings like joy and hope.
Gratitude is my favourite feeling. It is incredibly powerful and readily accessible. No matter how low I am feeling, I can always reach gratitude. Even if I have to start small – I am grateful for having staples in my stapler, I am grateful that my slippers keep my feet warm, I am grateful the rain is watering my plants. From there I can build to bigger and bigger things – I am grateful for my house for keeping me warm and safe, I am grateful for my dogs bringing funny antics and daily walks to me, I am grateful for my loving spouse for endless support.
Here are a few more things I am grateful for today:
- Long weekends
- Turkey and sweet potatoes
- Comfy couches
- Good books
- Warm sweaters
- Hot baths
- Hair barrettes
- Table lamps
What are you grateful for? Leave me a comment and share what you are grateful for in this moment. Be warned – once you start it’s hard to stop.
Happy Thanksgiving to all my Canadian friends, wherever you are in the world!
