A New Look at Selfishness

Think back to when you were a child. How many times were you told, “Don’t be selfish.” Modern culture prizes selflessness and condemns selfishness, in effect setting the two against each other. But are these two really opposites?

“The alternatives are either to love others, which is a virtue, or to love oneself, which is a sin,” wrote social scientist and philosopher Erich Fromm, in his essay titled “Selfishness and Self-Love.”

While no one would argue with merits of considering others, it’s time we re-examine our beliefs around being selfish.  It’s time we recognize how those messages have served to alienate us from our self and our life purpose.

What good comes from a lack of concern for yourself? Who benefits from you not valuing or loving yourself, not thinking for yourself, not being able to love others without losing yourself? How do you differentiate between valuing yourself and egotistically indulging yourself?

The answers lie in self-knowledge and self-acceptance. When you undertake an inner journey and come to truly understand and appreciate yourself, you develop the capacity to deal honestly, thoughtfully and lovingly with yourself, as well as other people. This balance is a necessity for living your life purpose abundantly.

“The process of attaining self-knowledge both softens and strengthens us and serves to help us love and appreciate life and other people,” says Bud Harris, author of the book Sacred Selfishness: A Guide to Living a Life of Substance.

Understanding yourself better includes discovering the negative effects of your histories, working to change them, and building on your strengths and aptitudes. It allows you to relate to people in a more straightforward, authentic manner and to be in service to others while caring for yourself. Above all else, it means learning to love yourself and being true to the core of who you are.

“Self-love is the firm foundation that determines how strongly we can give love and receive love,” Harris says.

To begin the inner work of increasing your self-knowledge, here are two tools of self-discovery. Inner work is a life-long deepening of the connection to your truest self that can enrich life beyond words.

Journaling
Writing in journals is less about recording events and more about exploring your feelings, thoughts, and experiences. Journaling allows you to look for connections and themes, to express the innermost aspects of your life experience. Best is to pick a time—the same time every day—for regular journaling. If you can’t think of anything to write at first, just write, “I can’t think of anything to write,” until your mind fills in, “well, except this…” and the flow of thoughts and feelings begins.

If you still need some prodding to get the flow going, start with a question, such as:

What went well today?
What am I grateful for?
What am I wishing for?
What hurt or upset me today?
What am I afraid of?

Self-Description
Take a sheet of paper and write a plus (+) and minus (-) sign at the top so you have to columns. Write two lists of your attributes —positive attributes under the plus sign and negative attributes under the minus sign. Include anything that describes who you are as a person from your perspective and from what others have said about you. If you find yourself putting more items on the negative side, then stop! Make sure your positive side keeps up. Remember you may even find that the same attribute goes on both sides of the sheet.

When you are finished writing your lists, review them. How do you feel about the description? Are there any attributes you want to change? Which ones are you most proud of? Take time to reflect on the attributes and honour them. Recognize that every person has a combination of positive and negative attributes – that is what bring beautiful diversity to the world. Rejoice in the magical, complex person that you are. Acknowledge and accept others as magical, complex people as well.

Without first loving and caring for yourself, you will not have the internal resource to love and care for others. Don’t get caught in the trap of believing that self-love and self-care are selfish. They are not. Genuine self-knowledge and self-acceptance increase your ability to support and give to those around you. Remember, you can not give away what you don’t have.

How do you show yourself love and appreciation?  To join the discussion, leave a comment!

How to Triumph in Turbulent Times

We live in turbulent times. A quick glance at the news headlines tell us change is all around:

• Automaker Slashes 20,000 Jobs
• Consumer Bankruptcies Up By 50%
• Unemployment Rates Increase
• Business Profits 30% Below Forecast

In fact, change is nothing new. In 500 BC the very wise Heraclitus said, “There is nothing permanent except change.” However, there is little argument that the amount and pace of change has increased to unprecedented amounts… and show every sign of continuing to accelerate.

Change takes many forms. Sometimes we initiate the change ourselves; sometimes life throws us a curve ball. Some changes are welcome and positive; others are unwanted and devastating. Often these events seem to come out of nowhere and feel completely unmanageable as we struggle to regain our footing and some semblance of “normal.”

But, like great trees, humans can grow stronger when exposed to powerful winds. That’s easy to say, you may think, as you recall those who did not grow stronger but instead broke in the wind. How do you increase your inner strength and flexibility so that you not only survive the adversity but thrive? Here are several strategies that can help.

Take responsibility. Look at your role in the situation. Was the event, in fact, predictable? You may have had more control over the situation than you realized. At the same time, don’t take more responsibility than is warranted. And don’t confuse responsibility with blame. Be honest, but don’t point fingers, not even at yourself.

Be optimistic and think creatively. Trust that there’s a solution to every problem and let your mind soar. Approach the problem from new and different directions. Be open to testing a variety of solutions until you find the combination that works.

Have courage and speak up. Courage is taking action despite the fear you feel. If someone isn’t taking you seriously, speak up. Be your own advocate. Tell that person what you want and need. Don’t assume he or she “should know.”

Take the long view. Recall the times when you have overcome challenges. How did you do it? Who or what helped you? Who or what can help you this time? Learn from your past successes and apply those lessons as you create your future triumphs.

Maintain a sense of humour. There’s truth in the adage: “Laughter is the best medicine.” Even in the darkest of times, laughter can help ease the pain. During trying times it may be difficult to summon humour from within. That is the perfect time to borrow it from other sources. Watch hilarious movies, listen to stand up comedians, read your favourite comic strip, spend time with a playful friend, surf YouTube for amazing animal videos – anything that will tickle your funny bone.

Get support. No one can handle everything alone – nor should they. When you get that overwhelmed feeling, reach out. Ask for help. Even better, ask for it sooner – before overwhelm sets in. Support can come from many sources – family, friends, coworkers, coach, mentor, or counselor, to name only a few. When you reach out and let others help you, you’ll be amazed by how much better you feel.

Don’t quit. Persistence may be the greatest human quality that helps us overcome adversity. Draw inspiration from the great heroes of the world - Helen Keller, Maya Angelou, Nellie McClung - women who persisted despite the odds. And remember, you’re stronger and more resilient than you think.

You can’t avoid all of life’s surprises – nor should you try. But you can prepare for unexpected challenges by building your personal reserves. Accept that any change is a process and grant yourself permission to go through the emotional journey. Build up your support network with trusted allies. Pack your success toolkit with strategies that resonate with you. And know that you can triumph, even in turbulent times.

I invite you to share your thoughts on this topic. What strategies do you use to survive – and thrive – during turbulent times? To join the discussion, leave a comment below.

The Strength of the Human Spirit

Each of us could look at our own lives or the lives of people we know and identify times of crisis and sorrow. We can look through history and find periods of great strife and injustice. Just as readily, we can think of instances where people have persevered and survived the harshest of conditions. We are touched by those who have endured catastrophic life experiences and emerged stronger, with grace and humility.

When you ask these survivors, “What got you through your crisis?” the responses are similar. One by one, they describe inner resources that enabled them to survive. Brian Luke Seaward, author of Stand Like Mountain, Flow Like Water, calls those qualities “the muscles of the soul.” Courage, faith, humour, patience, compassion, imagination, humbleness, forgiveness, intuition, creativity, optimism, honesty, and love.

The human spirit has incredible strength. But like any living entity, it needs to be cared for and nurtured. It is in exercising the muscles of the soul that the health of the human spirit is maintained. And the fitness of the spirit is vital to our very existence.

Following are seven suggestions Seaward offers to enhance the health and strength of the human spirit.

1. The Art of Self-renewalSelf-renewal is a continual process. Typically it begins with a centering process, going within to calm and replenish. It requires dedicating time to reconnect with your inner peace and strength on a regular basis. Mediation, conscious breathing, visualization are excellent tools for self-renewal.

2. The Practice of Sacred Rituals
Every culture through time has practiced sacred rituals. We establish habits and customs to remind ourselves that life is sacred and we are a part of that sacredness. Special readings or prayers, witnessing the beauty of nature, sharing our blessings with others, giving thanks—all serve as a reminder that we are connected to something greater, something divine.

3. Sweet Forgiveness
Every act of forgiveness is an act of unconditional love—for others and for yourself. For forgiveness to be unconditional, you must be willing to let go of all feelings of anger and resentment. When you forgive others, you forgive yourself. You set yourself free to love and live unfettered.

4. Embrace the Shadow
Each of us has an inner shadow where negative, judgmental thoughts and feelings originate. Embracing the shadow means to acknowledge that part of yourself, and greet it with acceptance and compassion. Just as you strive to have patience and understanding for others, you must show that to yourself.

5. Keep the Faith
To keep the faith is to believe in the divine when there seems to be no evidence or even counter-evidence before you. If you honour and exercise your faith during times of abundance and peace, it will be strong for you when you face times of turbulence and challenge. Faith helps you remember that “We are given no task too great to bear.”

6. Live Your Joy
Living your joy is seeking and appreciating life’s beautiful side. When you practice the habit of looking for reasons to be joyful, you get very good at finding them. Living your joy reminds you to live in the present moment, to drink in the miracles all around you.

7. Compassion in Action
Compassion in action can be explained in one word — service. Service offers a dividend of love to all parties involved. When we do for others in a spirit of sincerity and kindness, we fulfill our purpose, our role in the web of humanity. And we, as well as others, are richer for it.

We have been given a wondrous gift in the human spirit. Like any precious gift, it must be cared for and nurtured. When you do that with grace and gratitude, your spirit will carry you through joy and sorrow, through peace and turmoil. And always it will be there as an unwavering source of strength for you.

How do you nurture your spirit? I invite you to share your thoughts and perspective on the article. To join the discussion, simply leave a comment.

A Good Time for Reflection

Ancient Romans named the month of January for Janus, their god of gates, doors and beginnings. Always pictured with two faces—one looking toward the future, the other back at the past—Janus is a fitting symbol for the turning of a new year.

As you step through the doorway from one year to the next, it’s natural to take time to reflect on what you accomplished in the last year and have planned for the next. But this year, instead of just reflecting on the past year or making resolutions for the New Year, consider using this month to take a full inventory your life.

Who are you? What do you believe? What do you really want?

When you discover who you really are, you stop living on auto-pilot and start to live with intention and focus. You begin to make active choices in your life, instead of making excuses or waiting for others to direct you. You begin to live on purpose.

Here are a few questions to get you started. Have a journal or some way to record your thoughts. (Writing by hand keeps you in touch with your breath and your heart.)

• What is aching to be expressed?
• What needs healing?
• What are you afraid of?
• What unique gifts, talents and skills do you bring to the world?
• How are you expressing your talents (or not)?
• What beliefs are holding you back or getting in your way?
• What can you let go of in your life?
• What brings you joy?
• When have you felt most fulfilled?
• What is most important to you?

As you answer these questions, don’t simple think your way through them. Consider the vital information that other “parts” of yourself are giving you. When you use only your head, your experience of yourself and the world is more limited.

Pay attention to what is your body is telling you. If you “listen” it shares a lot of wisdom. When someone yells at you, does your stomach tie up in knots? Do your shoulders stiffen when you’ve been too focused on fulfilling others’ needs and ignoring your own? Notice your body’s messages. If you don’t, the messages get louder and more urgent.

Check in with your heart. The heart is the home of what is most alive in you. What does your heart have to say about your job? About how you spend your days? Does it need more play time? Your heart will tell you what really matters.

Listen to your intuition, your “gut.” Your intuition speaks volumes, but often gets ignored. What is this voice saying now? Have you been trying to drown out a message it’s sending you? Have courage and listen to it. It is far riskier in the long run to ignore your intuition even if its current message is difficult to hear.

Be sure to notice what you already have that is working. Acknowledge and give thanks for the gifts, the beauty and the miracles that are in your life right now. Write them down. Stay focused on those positive feelings and you will draw more blessings into your life. Remember, you are a magnificent creation and joy is your birth right.

Now is the time to start being honest about who you really are and what you really want. Tell the truth. Encouraging those dormant or suppressed parts of you to emerge provides an exhilarating sense of discovery and optimism for the New Year and beyond.

I invite you to share what impact doing the activity had on you. To join the discussion, reply leave a comment.

The Big Questions

Have you ever laid on your back looking up at the night sky and marvelled at the billions of stars sparkling above. It really is breath taking - especially if you can do it on a clear night away from the city lights. It makes me feel tiny - in a good way. I feel like a tiny part of an incredible whole. There is such a sense of security and peace. The worries of the day fall into perspective and a sence of calm comes over me.

That is when the big questions come to mind. Questions like:

• How did the universe come into being?
• Who or what designed such a complex masterpiece?
• Are we interrelated? If so, how?
• Where are we headed to next?

If you like musing about the big questions, too, check out the Unity of Spirit movie by Ken McLean at http://sunrise-production.org/Unity_Movie1.html 

It’s part physics class, part philosophy class, and totally captivating.

Once you’ve watched it, come back and let me know your thoughts about it. Did it bring up more questions or did it answer ones you’ve wondered about your whole life?

Enjoy,

Sheila

 

It’s a Dog’s Life

On nights when I am having trouble falling asleep, I relax my mind by listing the things in my life that I am grateful for and why. Each time, second on my list, right after my amazing spouse, are my dogs, Jessie and Rockie. Tonight as I thought about what my dogs bring to my life I began thinking about the lessons they teach me.

Last summer we brought a puppy home. Rockie, a lab-cross, is now one year old and it has been a fascinating year. Watching her explore new experiences with a fresh and innocent perspective reminds me to be open to the wonder in every day activities. As she encounters new surroundings or people or objects, she tentatively examines them from a distance, inevitably runs back to us for safety and comfort, and then forges ahead with her exploration until one by one she familiarizes herself with them. It is a great lesson in courage and adventure even in the presence of fear.

Rockie is also a role model for learning by example… even if it wasn’t always the example we wanted her to follow. We made the miscalculation with our older dog, Jessie, of not taking her to puppy class when she was young and thus she developed some bad habits - like being overly aggressive to other dogs on our daily walks. On our walks we could see Rockie learning from Jessie just how dogs are “supposed” to behave. As we passed a yard with a dog, Rockie would look at Jessie and observe the snarling and barking. Then Rockie would turn towards the yard and bark and snarl, stop to watch Jessie to ensure she was doing it correctly, and turn back to the offending dog to continue barking and snarling. Now that I think about it, that behaviour really yields two lessons - observing and learning from others is effective, and be careful who you choose as role models.

Jessie, a seasoned veteran at 10 years old, has her own lessons to teach. Every now and again Jessie has trouble with her hind leg and avoids putting weight on it when she stand up after lying down for a period of time. However at any time while she is hobbling around on her three good legs, should someone mention “walk” (or even a word sounding remotely like walk), Jessie perks up and bounds about in excitement. She loves her walks and nothing is going stand in her way of enjoying them. It lets me know that often the only thing required to overcome common aches and pains (physical or metaphorical) is taking joy in an activity and participating in it with exuberance.

Other valuable lessons my dogs have taught me are: show affection frequently; keep track of what’s going on in the neighbourhood (sniffing optional); get to bed first to claim the best spot; and, my favourite, nap often.

  Thanks, Jessie and Rockie.